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A friend of mine shot and killed himself this morning, and i can't help thinking that I might of helped him make the decision in his depressed state. He recently quit a good paying job to become a correctional officer for the Sherrif's dept. And after 2 days on the job decided it wasn't for him. He tried to get his old job back, but it had already been filled.

We were at our kids baseball practice yesterday afternoon just talking, when I decided to tell him about the deal I just lost out, on the 94 GT Convertible I had posted about here earlier in the week. It didn't even dawn on me that by me talking about spending 10k, when he can't even find a job might possibly lead to something like this. God I hope not! Can't help to think that maybe if our conversation had of been different, maybe he still would be here. I had to pick up their daughter from school today, and bring her over to my home, and just looking at her, keeps me thinking she might of had a father still if I had of kept my big mouth shut.

Sorry for posting this here, Bob if you want to remove it, it's o.k. Just had to let it out to other friends I have here.

Doug

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I'm glad you did, Doug. Keep talking about it because that is how we work through these things. I work with troubled folks and, believe me, we cannot take responsibility for another's actions, right or wrong.

If your friend didn't think about his daughter first, what makes you think he was thinking about your ten grand? Forget that, just move on from this point and be the best person you can to his little girl...

Dan
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Hey Doug, Sorry about that, I know it hurts, I lost a friend to similar circumstances last year. Most likley there was more going on than what had happened in the past weeks. As a ER nurse for 10+ years, I have learned that suicide is rarely a last minute decision, and the people that really want to do it usually don't let on about their plans. It still [email protected]&s to loose a friend, and will hurt for a long time. Take it day by day and try to remember that his decision was probably made long before you saw him yesterday. Hang in there and vent all you want, thats part of why we are here.
Dan

every man must have a toy
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Doug, you have no blame in this. There are so many things that influence every one of us every day. When a person makes a decision like that they are not in their right mind anyway.

I felt that way about my cousin's death a few years ago. He was on a cross country trip and came to visit. He stayed for a couple of days and we partied most of the night the night before he left. A few hours later he pulled out in front of a semi in hi VW van and was killed. I couldn't help but feel that if he had gotten more sleep he would not have made that decision. After the shock I realised that he had also made that decision and I didn't own it. You need to see the same thing about your freind.

We all need to realise that it can happen to any of us at any time, maby you tomorrow, maby me. That's why it's so important to live our lives like there is no tommorow, and show the people in our lives that we love them today.

Hal
Love hard, drive fast, wear your seat belt.

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How terrible. I agree with the others in that you can't blame yourself. Unless he expressed what he was feeling how could you known what state of mind he was in? I really feel bad for the folks he left behind, what can a person say?
I hope you work your way through this too. Take care, Doug. By all means express yourself to the friendly VMF folks.

Dean T

Shikatta Ga Nai - "It cannot be helped"
 
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Sorry for the loss. Give our best to the family. I know how you feel. A friend of mine of 20 years hanged himself a couple of months back, so I feel your pain. DON"T BLAME YOPURSELF! It's not your fault. Things like this happen,regardless of your conversation.
Again sorry to hear. This forum is about people as well as our cars so don't feel like you're posting somewhere you shouldn't.
Regards,Bob

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The What If game is silly. The fact of the matter is your friend had a sickness, and nothing anyone could have done could have stopped it.
All you can do is be glad you were a friend while you were, and be there for the family now.

1968 Coupe, 6cyl Std, Bench Seat. Driven through 10 years of College.
 
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Nothing you said or did had any effect on what has happened. I hope that you will not blame yourself in any way.
He was most likely in a very depressed state for quite sometime. If his own family did not see this he must have hid it well.
The sadness here is that he was unable to reach out to those who cared most about him for help. Those who loved him will feel that the most. That they let him down or that they were in part responsible. They were not but that is little consolation. I feel for you and your loss and for his families loss all you can do is honor his memory and live on

Greg B
 

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I am very sorry, Doug. I agree with the others. Don't blame yourself, or it will haunt you forever. Give our regards to his family and friends, including yourself. Again, sorry. I hope everything turns out ok.
Sean

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Doug,

Please do yourself a favor and follow the advice other posters have given: don't blame yourself. I know a little something about what you and his family are going through. When I was just a small child, my mother committed suicide. As a kid, it was not only tough growing up without a mother, it was tough trying to figure out why your parent didn't love you enough to stick out the tough times instead of taking the "easy" way out.

Over the years, I've come to accept that it was simply a sickness my mother had dealt with for a long time. I would wager the same is true in your case. While it will take some time to go through the "grieving process," don't compound your grief by blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault. And make sure your friend's family understands this fact, as well...especially the children.

Hang in there!
 
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Just stick through it, and if you have any problems, you have friends here. Regards to you and his family.

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I am really sorry; I know what you’re going through:

The same thing happened to me in college. My roommate of three years shot himself on a Sunday afternoon. I had lived with him for three years and had no idea he was that depressed. It's very difficult to see coming. People who actually intend on killing themselves hardly ever disclose their intentions. Unlike those that are trying to get attention, a truly suicidal person may not show any signs or tell anyone anything.

I spent many, many days wondering what if. Why did I not see it? I lived with him; I really had a hard time with his parents. I felt as though they were looking to me for the "why?" of what he did. I could not tell them anything. He was failing a couple of classes and he was pretty broke, there are so many reasons that go through the mind of someone in that state. None of them seem rational to anyone else, because the thoughts are not rational. It’s perfectly normal to think, "If only he had talked to me.... I would have helped him see the alternatives." He probably wouldn't have heard you, if you had given him advice towards an alternative. His mind was made up long before he saw you yesterday. In his own way, he was probably saying goodbye to you. I spent the whole day before with my roommate, we went out and partied, laughed and really had a good time. I never saw what was coming. Now I think he was with me that night, like we had always been, as a way of saying so long. I found out later that he had bought the gun four weeks earlier, I never even saw it. He didn't tell me anything.

Don't let this eat at you, I did. It took me some time to deal with what had happened and how I felt about it. I ended up getting some counseling, which really helped me.

Talk about this with your friends and family. Sharing how you feel is the path to getting through this. I know it’s tough, but it will get better.

I wish you all the best.
The earlier post was right, be there for his family, they will really need you.
See all the things your friend was to you in his daughter, and be there for her.


I wish you and his family all the best.


Jimbo65

65 I6 200 Coupe (Daily Driver)
 

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Thanks all for the kind words. I just got back from taking there daughter back home. My wife and I were going to keep her as long as needed, but her mother had decided it was time to break the news to her with all of the family and friends there. They only live 3 blocks from us, but as I loaded the kids up into the van, I couldn't help thinking how Amanda was happy she was going home to see both her parents. That 3 blocks felt like 3 miles as I drove her home. She is only 6 and hopefully won't remember much later in life, and there son is only 10 months old.

What was harder is explaining to my daughter who is 8 next month of what was happing at Amanda's house. She knew right off when we got there that something was wrong. She knew Todd as well and really liked him.

FYI, Todd was a very gentle hearted man, that was one of the reasons he decided to quit the Sherrifs Dept. He told me right after he quit that he couldn't handle the idea of walking down the hall and find inmates who committed suicide in their cells, as he did on his very first day of work.

Thank you, everyone! This has helped me cope with it a lot, just being able to read your post and listen to your support.

Doug

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If witnessed the effects of a suicide on children myself and each and every child ended up harmed forever. The best thing you can do now is to console the daughter and make sure she understands that she had nothing to do with his death. Anyone can play the "what if" game with themselves. Many people loose jobs, it takes someone who is really disturbed to kill themselves. There had to be more than you know. Sorry about the loss. I just hope the daughter is okay.

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Wow thats terrible.

I have a friend up in Prince George, BC. His best buddy hung himself just outside UNBC from depression. My friend was having beers and joking with the guy just the day before!!

I concur with the others in this group, this is very sad, and I wish the best for his family in these times -- i cannot imagine what they must be going through. I have a small family, just me, the wife and the cat, but my wife means everything to me and life without is simply not comprehendable, as we are best friends first and foremost.

All I can say is that the guy who hung himself did so because he (for whatever reason) felt it was better for his children. From my understanding he was paying over 1200/mo in alamony, child support, etc... and apparently making just over 1000 .. pretty ridiculus eh? Anyhow he felt the insurance $ was the only thing he had left.

These decisions are not made on a single statement, there can be no blame on your part.

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I'd have to agree with everything the others have said. We all tend to wonder what we should have done or said when something like this happens, but the reality is in most cases there wasn't any warning that someone would proceed this way. Grieve for your friend and his family, but don't feel responsible. Vent on this forum all you want. If we can help, let us know.

James

1965 convertible "White Pony", my own lesson in mechanical humility
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Doug, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Listen to the others, though, and never blame yourself. This is a tough situation that only time will heal (and unfortunealty sometimes it never heals completely). Like the others have said ... be there for the support of the wife and kids. Even at 6, the daughter is going to remember every minute of this day for the rest of her life. My daughter was 4, and my son 3 when my other son died. 13 years later they can still tell me things about that day that I cannot beleive they remember.

Above all, don't blame yourself. There's no way you could have prevented it. Just be glad for the time you had with him.

Please let us know if there's any way we can help.

If you always do what you've always done,
You'll always get what you've always got

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The end of this life is the beganing of the the next, No one knows when or how we will leave. Doug, everyone is so right, it wasn't your fault so don't blame yourself,be there when his family needs you, and tonight give your family a little extr hug as well as your friends'. We are here when you need us, God bless you and both families in this time of loss.


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Sorry to hear about such a tragic thing

Someone who is to the point of suicide has been getting there for a long time - I don't think your conversation had anything to do with it. People who commit suicide are pretty far along the road of depression by the time it gets to that point.

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Doug. From all of us over here in Australia, we are very sorry for the loss of your friend. In my job I deal with suicides regularly and I believe that the most important thing to do is to give complete support to the family. Even small things like mowing the lawn and cooking a casserole for them. And again, dont blame yourself.

Tim Russell
Sale, Victoria, Australia

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