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This is an odd thread for the VMF, I know. But we're all family here and a lot of you guys are "old timers" who have a lot of experience.

I'll get right down to it. My SWMBO of over 4 years has decided that, before we get married, she needs to find out if she "exists outside of our relationship." I suppose this is healthy for her, but the fact that I don't have her in my life any more for an unspecified amount of time is destroying me.

So, do any of you guys have any ideas about where I could meet people in this college town? You'd think it wouldn't be too hard, but since classes don't resume until October, I can't use classes or the campus to make new connections. I am also not 21 YET, so I can't hit the bar scene.

I'm feeling so lost. I know that one of 2 things will happen;

#1 - She'll decide she's had enough of "other" people and she's made enough new friendships that she'll want to come back to me. This is my first choice.

#2 - She'll decide she's had enough of ME, and that she prefers her new contacts. This would suck. This is equivalent to her throwing 4 years into the trash can.

Also, is there ANY remedy for the fact that I can't sleep at all? I have barely eaten ANYTHING since Sunday night when she delivered this thing. I see her in EVERYTHING I do, and say. Every time I think about doing anything, I am reminded of her. My walls of my apartment are plastered with her photographs and memories of us. We've done a lot in 4 years, almost 5, so naturally there's a lot of that. I don't want to take the stuff down, because I don't want to remove her from my life like that.

She's been a great influence on ME as well as me for her, so I don't ever want to forget her. I just would like to be able to close my eyes for more than an hour without have a nightmare of being alone and of missing Jamian.

So, how would you guys cope with this loss? I KNOW with all you mid 30s and mid 40s guys out there, there should be a lot of heartache experienced. It's just life... A life without turbulence is boring right? That's what they tell me.

If nothing else, I just wanted to explain why I haven't been posting much. I just feel out of it... Out of everything.

But enough of that.

BID on the auctions! - Sorry, had to toss that in...
 

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Even though I'm far from being qualified to respond to posts like this, I just can't help myself.

First thought: you're too young to be hung up about a full time girlfriend. You should play the field a while and experience different girls, try to figure out the female species (yeah, I know, fat chance!) before settling down.

Second thought: this "exists outside of our relationship." sounds like a load of crap. I'm guessing either she wants out of the relationship with you and is too polite to tell you outright, or she feels she needs more guy experience before settling down with one. Sorry, I'm sure that's not the kind of advice you were looking for, but I've seen this too many times not to mention it.

Third thought: engines, sheet metal, grease and tools are an excellent substitute for women. Take advantage of this female down time to dive into your Mustang!

OK, now for the main point of your message: how to meet chicks. Sorry, can't help you out there. I'm an old fart in my 20th year of a terrific marriage, so I've forgotten everthing I might of once known about how to meet women.

Good luck!
 

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First of all, I don't think you've "thrown away" the last 4 or 5 years. If the worst should indeed come to pass, you've learned something from it, right? Just because things change in our lives doesn't have to mean time invested was a waste. You're walking away with something.

And on the most superficial level – if something like this has to happen, wouldn't you rather it be before you got married? I know – not very helpful; but true nevertheless...

Without getting into specifics, you must share the same goals and beliefs. There has to be this stable foundation before anything lasting can be built. And even then, there's no 100% guarantee. There's just no straight-forward answer. It may not feel like it; but you'll live – and probably be all the wiser.

As for dealing with it... do you play guitar? I've written some of my best songs when I was distaught! ;)
 

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Get out and find a new date. If you just sit around moping and pining for the one you love she'll likely leave you. OTOH, if you get out and find another date she will realize there's a million fish in the sea and she's only one of them. From this you'll grow more healthy relationships and see her in a different light. There are other girls that have more to offer than she does, so get out there and find one of them this weekend.
 

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::Try this on for size .
Married for almost 27 years .
Excuse for wanting a divorce "I don't feel comfortable here anymore" . No farther discussion, period !
Except she demanded and got 1/2 my Navy retirement for the rest of my life . EVEN IF SHE REMARRIES .
And freinds ask why I don't date.
That was 14 years ago ! :( :(
 

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::Try this on for size .
Married for almost 27 years .
Excuse for wanting a divorce "I don't feel comfortable here anymore" . No farther discussion, period !
Except she demanded and got 1/2 my Navy retirement for the rest of my life . EVEN IF SHE REMARRIES .
And freinds ask why I don't date.
That was 14 years ago ! :( :(
Ouch.

Anthony, you are way too young. trust me, this pain shall pass. give it some time and do not become a hermit, get out and enjoy your self. Things will get better each day.
 

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(virtual hug) There is no remedy for heartache but time. Are you wanting to meet girls to date or people to hang out with?

For now, hang out with your friends or family if they are nearby, work on your car, just try to keep busy. It will help a little.

As far as your age is concerned, it is possible to meet the love of your life at any age. Just don't try to force it.

Also, when she does come back, it is VERY important that you both have interests, friends, or hobbies that are separate from your relationship. I can't stress that enough. Having a healthy mix both inside and outside of your relationship, really only makes you both stronger. (that's part of the "exist outside of us" thing)

Here's another hug, kiddo, Good luck. :(

PS, Keep posting, that's what we are here for.
 

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I went through this EXACT situation 6 months ago. My g/f and I had been together for nearly 5 years, were living together and were planning on getting married. I had even saved up for the engagement ring. She decided that she wanted to see what else was out there, met another guy and ended our relationship. I moved out of the apartment etc., and it was a huge mess. I ate very little for about three weeks, did not sleep, could not go to school, and could not work. LIFE SUCKED!!

But then with the help of family, friends (and the VMF), I realized that whatever happens is for the best and I will deal with whatever happens.

Sitting back looking at where my life was 6 months ago and where I am now, I can honestly say I am happier and I think the break up was for the better. If your relationship was anything like mine you most likely isolated yourself from your friends to be with your g/f? If this is true, the two of you most likely became too dependent on each other... You need to make these connections with your friends again, they will be the ones who help you through this tough time. You also need to learn how to cope with doing things on your own, without your bestfriend. At our age (20), we should be out enjoying life and not worrying about a serious relationship. I would suggest that during this time figure out the things that make YOU happy, and go and do them. At this time, the last thing you need is to find another girl. Just go hang out with good friends, their company will help a lot. I don't know if you already do this or not, but going to the gym and working out relieves a lot of stress and anger.

If nothing else, my last piece of advice for you is - no matter the outcome, good or bad, remember that everything in life happens for a reason. It takes a while before you see or understand the reason, but there is always one there!
 

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I hate to tell you this, but I've seen it many times before and experienced it myself. You are both to young, I know it sucks. I have freinds that wer together as long and as young as you two, got married, got devorced three years later. They realized they hadn't lived their lives yet. Same thing with me, I was 23, my girlfreind was almost 20. We were together almost two years (I know not as long as you, but I thought she was IT!)when she decided she needed time away to experience new things. Broke my heart and I still think about her all these years later. But time heals all, trust me it does. I just found this GREAT new girl and have totally fogotten all these girls I've dated.

As far as meeting new girls, Take it from me, the bar is the last place to go unless your looking for a meaningfull one nighter. Your chances of meeting 'miss right' in the bar are slim, it does happen though. Freinds are the best way, freinds of freinds. Talk to people. I met Paulette through a freind. She came to town to visit some other freinds of mine and ended up spending most of the weekend with me. There is someone out there somewhere, it just takes time.

Remember you're only young once, live while you can. Jeese, does that make me sound old or what? I'm only 27!
 

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Been in a somewhat similar situation when I was 'bout your age. She is going out meeing people. You should to. Hard to do? Yes. But not as hard as you think. Get involved with the Stang, but other things too. Now you have a chance to do things you've always wanted. Join a club. What kind? It doesn't matter, as long as it is something your intersted in. A Book club, a Photography Club, a Gamming Club, a Car Club. If you don't know where to find them, try the yellow pages. Call a Photography Shop (a real one, not a Mall Chain store), or a good Book Store. Often these can put you in touch with people with similar interests.

Find the local cruise ins and meet people. Date, or don't. Your choice. But get out there and meet new friends. Take a Parks and Rec class. Join a Fencing Club (let me tell you, Saber Fencing is a GREAT way to get out your aggressions ;))

Will she come back? Dunno. If she compares you to her new friends who are active and lively, and your mopping around, that doesn't work to your favor. If you are active and lively without her and she sees it, it *may* look good. But it doesn't matter. In the long run you will have new friends and interests whether or not she comes back. If you have that, you are the winner no matter what happens with her.

That said, I know it's tough right now. Think back over the last 4 years, about things that interested you, things you wanted to do, to explore. Pick up the phonebook, get in the car, whatever, and follow these interests. Not tomorrow. Now.

And make sure you don't deprive yourself of the essentials, Food, Sleep, Hygene, Wrench-turning, & VMF

SprintCC
 

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I sent you a PM.
 

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Ouch!! That DOES bring back memories: not necessarily the same situation, but the same sense of committment to a person. In my situation, the young lady I was with didn't have it in her to let me go - I had to finally cut it off. That was without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it also was best for my personal growth.

I'm not gonna say you're too young to be thinking about marriage or that you should "test the waters" as some will no doubt tell you. I was exactly your age when I went through my most painful relationship experience. I wasn't much of a "player" and I tended to be in more serious long-term relationships than many of my friends. No doubt, that is why the pain was much more intense than what I saw other people going through.

The best advice I can give you (although you probably won't like it) is to separate yourself from the relationship. In my case that was the only way I was able to function as a normal human being (at least as close to "normal" as I ever get!). That didn't mean that I was out looking for a new love the next day or stopped loving that person, but I did stop expecting to see her the next hour, day or week (thank god: I was driving myself insane). It did take some time to get over the pain, but I ended up making new friends (at school) and really found that there was life out there. I got more involved in other activities and, I think, became much more confident because I was able to move on. In retrospect, it was a very positive event in my life, because I truly became comfortable with myself during that time. Although that relationship ended, I still think very fondly of that young lady (and, at least a little bit, I think she blew it by letting me get away! ::)

So, my advice is to put a little distance between yourself and the relationship: if it does work out that you two get back together, it will still be a positive development for you both as you will be a stronger, more independent person. If it turns out that it doesn't work out, you'll already be much more prepared to deal with the situation. Either way, it's good for you.

You will get through this - that is the most important thing to realize. It's also important to realize that it won't be painless, so hang in there!

As an aside, the young lady in my case is the person who brought me to the light (I was a Chevy Man until I met her). She had a 67 Coupe and talked me into buying my first Mustang: the same one I have today!! So the relationship was a positive thing in my life for several reasons!

Take Care,
 

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Tough deal. However, not to worry...
As they say, If you love someone, set them free. If it is to be, they will return...

With regard to getting out of the house, here are some ideas:

1) Meet opentracker and I at Monterey Historics on Sunday, August 17. We'll sneak you some beer.::
2) Participate in the VMF California Meet in the Middle. I challenge kbmwrs to get you hooked up with a babe.
3) Contact Shaun, or Billgear and get involved in their business venture....

There that's a start. I have left the remainder if the assignment to the pupil to be completed outside of class time...
 

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I don't know how much I can add to what has already been said. But I second tiggermom's virtual hug. I know I know, you've already heard these things, but TRUST me...

1-things will get better, time heals
2-There IS an upside (although you won't appreciate this until further down the road.)
3-If she comes back make sure it is on YOUR terms also, not just hers.
4-If she doesn't, then there is someone else out there for you, and don't look...she will "Drop" into your life so to speak.
5-Do what the others have suggested, do the things you wanted, without having to worry about someone else!
6- Age has no bearing on when you will find the love of your life. Neither does invested time. You've gotten plenty from these past 5 years, you've said it yourself.
7-Keep posting, keep living, leep in touch with your friends and family, and most importantly, keep in touch with YOU!
8- As far as sleep, nature has a great remedy for that. Eventually you will just pass out. Until then, I know it's useless to say not to think of her, but try to get out of the apartment, and stay away from bars!!
 

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Anthony this is a tough one buddy....but we will all have to be realistic about this, been there, done that quite a few times.

Both of you are young and still maturing (hopefully), If she hasn't figured it out by now, re:being with you for 4 years and not being sure, then move on. I am sure she has taken into consideration of the possibility of you moving on and she is willing to take that risk....if she is, then she hasn't exactly prioritized the relationship the same way you did.

I am not going to say that you are too young to be stressing about relationships, but I will say you have plenty of time to go out an experience lots of beautiful women.

Believe me, there are TONS of SWMBOs out there who would like a mature, fun loving guy to share a life with and who have figured things out.

Don't look at this as your loss....it is her loss.

If you can drive to Santa Rosa Friday, La Cantina downtown is pretty much jumping....I am sure we can get you in there ;) Downtown Los Gatos is always jumping Friday, Sat nights, Downtown Santa Cruz on
Sat nights, yes you'll have to get out of that pit to meet girls...

Also, third street pub (here in SR) is always packed with SSU and JC girls...lots of nice looking ones too....

last but not least....Anthony, its better to play the game than to be the object of the game. (never forget that rule)

If you treat them too good, they'll walk all over you, if you treat them badly, they'll love you too much and go psycho on you....if you treat them just right, everything will be A OK.

I would also join a fitness gym....lots of honies go there.

Don't worry about a thing, girls will always be girls...you do what you have to do in order to make life right for yourself.

cheers

Roberto

PS now it is your chance to see how you exist in this world outside of your relationship....have a ball!!! and let her see you doing it!!! This is your chance to show her you deserve better!!
 

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I can't really offer much insight on the situation. Although, being single for a year now, I can tell you what I have been doing. I meet people that are friends of my friends. I'm not necessarily attracted to them (I'm big on blondes :) and the last girl I went out with was a brunette), but it gets me out of the house. You don't necessarily have to be looking for a relationship...just find someone interesting to hang out with. It may lead to something and it may not, but at least you aren't alone at home.

Also, if my car was presentable, I would be going to some car shows. If a girl is at a classic car show, she probably has some sort of interest in old cars. Big bonus! :)
 

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I have lived through disappointment too. The one thing I can give for advice is to NEVER get married too young, they normally don't know what they want and they usually want to get out of a bad situation at home or with another guy etc.. In a situation like this I have came to the realization that if they are miserable in the relationship they are going to make me miserable too and life is too short to be unhappy....Rebounds are no good either it usually hurts yourself or someone else because of it. Just don't beat yourself up because of it.....Sometimes there just isn't a right answer to WHY????? On the bright side I have more Cars and 2 Garage's and more money to do things than when I was married....Go Figure and an X wife that wants to get back together....NO MORE CHAOS FOR ME!
 

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Man, you need to sneak into a bar, get rip roaring drunk and howl at the moon ::
go live a little, you`ll get over it :)
 

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Everyone's had such good advice that it's hard to add to it.

The only thing I'll say is that no one - NO ONE -- is worth ruining YOUR life for. Or anyone else's. (see Jays link)

Just chill.
The pain you'll have to deal with yourself.
The flood of changing emotions can drive you crazy or build character. It your choice.

Just remember, We're all here.
Dan
 
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