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5,066 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last
oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn
mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002) in
the left breast, rips calendar.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands/forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $40.00
Total $4,165.00

--- But you know the job was done right

4,885 Posts
I went to an oil change place a while back and had them replace my Castrol in my LS1 Camaro with Red Line synthetic oil. The Castrol job would have cost me around $39 and they throw in a free car wash. The Red Line was $65 with the same car wash and it can be changed every 6,000 miles. Sooooo, I decide to save myself some money and do the next Red Line change myself. The oil cost me $47.70 at the local speed shop ($7.95 a quart for 6 quarts). The filter was another $5.00, so I'm in $53.00. I spend 45 minutes or so out in the shop jacking the car up, draining the oil, removing and reinstalling the filter, etc. :p Spilled a little oil because the stupid filter has a reservoir (sp?) of hot oil right above it and it runs right down your arm as you unscrew it. When I'm all done I think "Wait a minute! $65 minus $53 (oil and filter)= $12 less $10 (the value of a car wash) means I just rolled around on the shop floor in an oily mess and pissed away 3/4 of an hour of my time for two bucks!" :( I've since found the oil a dollar cheaper but I still change my own oil because "I know it's done right!" Sound familiar? ::

1,294 Posts
I still change my own oil because "I know it's done right!" Sound familiar?
Yup. Ain't nobody gonna screw my filter on so tight it won't come off without magling and shredding it, or cross thread and strip out my drain plug except me!:: J/K, never had a problem doing my own changes but have heard far too many horror stories about the quickie places.
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