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You probably know most of these, but I just came accross them and thought they are hilarious. Enjoy!


Things I Have Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic
and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just *******s.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there
had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who
do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about
ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end
up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less
important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Screw 'em if they can't take a joke" in six languages.



Cure Your Boredom At Walmart
Things to do at Wal-Mart while the spouse is taking his/ her sweet time!

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the
day.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares,"
and see what happens.

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from
Bed and Bath.

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you
people just leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store

18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! Pick me!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no!
It's those voices again!"

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink, explain that you don't
get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet
paper in here!"



The Spoon

I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he
handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came
with water and tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all
the waiters and busboys had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just
had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to
review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop
spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per
workstation. By preparing our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen
down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from
the table behind him, and he quickly replaced the fallen spoon with the one from his pocket."I'll grab
another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.

I was impressed. "Thanks, I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered. Then he continued to take our orders. As the members of our dinner party
took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out
of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed
it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging
out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask.
"Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what about that string?"

"Oh, yeah," he began, in a quieter tone, "not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group
found we could save time in the Men's Room, too."

"How's that?" I asked.

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free
and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the washroom by over 93%!"

"Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."




Sexual Q & A

Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.

Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
 

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thanks, I needed that
LOL
 
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