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O/T Friday food for thought.

716 Views 10 Replies 9 Participants Last post by  Huskinhano
I was going through old emails at work, found this.

5: [Bloomsburg News Service]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas.  There was no mark on his
body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.
His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of
other things).  It was just the right combination of foods. It appears
that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was
hanging over his bed.  Had he been outside or had his windows been opened,
it wouldn't have been fatal.  But the man was shut up in his near airtight
bedroom.  According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity
for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

· Registered
6,769 Posts
OK, this is an oldie, but brings a smile to my face every time... (PG13 Rated)

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know...

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an arshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "arshole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an arshole!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the arshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his
number and when I heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm just
calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID program?" "No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arshole!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story is to show you that, if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863!!

Keep reading this, it gets better!

An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He
walked toward the shopping center as if I didn't even exist. I thought to myself, this guy's another arshole; there sure are a lot of arsholes in this world. Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the phone number.

Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an arshole!" (It's
really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After
a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW
for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're an arshole!" And I slammed the phone down. Then, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed

I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me.

Now when I had a problem I had two arsholes to call.

Then, after several months of calling the arsholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as
it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with this solution:

First, I had my phone speed dial arshole #1. A man answered nicely, "Hello?"

I yelled "You're an arshole!", but I didn't hang up.

The arshole said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "Make me."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

So I told him, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, arshole!", and I hung up.

Then I called arshole #2. Don Hansen answered, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, arshole."

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, arshole." And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street...

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious satisfaction!

Watching two arsholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

· Super Moderator
8,649 Posts
Oh...Huskanhano, I hate to be the one to pop the little balloon of your fairy tale...but...Methane isn't poisonous. It isn't even toxic. The only way Methane can kill you is if it displaces all of the oxygen in the atmosphere you're breathing. Since it weighs about 60% as much as the surrounding air, it rises straight up. This means someone laying in a bed would not be exposed to the methane for longer then it would take to get out from under the covers and start peeling the stucko off the ceiling. Oh...wait...methane doesn't do that either.

To make this urban legend really believable you should rewrite it so that somehow a spark comes into play and the whole house blows up. Investigators from the local gas company arrive to survey the damage, confirming by the evidence from the bulging walls of the bedroom, and associated charring, that a low order explosion has occured and methane is the obvious culprit. To which the man, who has survived the fiery blast through some miracle replies, "But that can't be ya see, cause my house is total electric!" And then he rips off another one, which lights off off the still hot smoldering embers, and blows him completely through a plate glass window (which also survived the original explosion), and out onto the street, where he is run over by a guy in a Mustang and killed.

The advantages of this version are:

1. It meets with the laws of physics.
2. It's on topic.



Well you do have to watch out for this and make sure nobody's behind you...


· Registered
1969 Mustang GT Convertible
520 Posts

That story is so wrong on so many levels. But I have to say, that was pure genius. On behalf of all the people who have encountered arsholes during their lifetime, I thank you.

· Beach Bum
5,497 Posts
Anyone want some home made chili? LOL
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
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