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To add to kketell earlier post, I came across these gems:

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that a lot of people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

"I'm currently fasting to protest hunger strikes."

"I used to be a professional ventriloquist. I had to pull a lot of strings to get that job."

"I just bought a used car. It's a convertible. You turn the key, and it converts into a piece of crap."

"I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb."

"My parents were cruel to me when I was a child. They once got me a game called Groin Darts."

"My love life? Let's put it this way. In the gas station of life, I'm stranded on the self-serve island."

"I'm going through an awkward stage. You know, the one between birth and death."

"Do doctors use number two pencils to label their stool samples?"

"As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio."
 

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"My parents were cruel to me when I was a child. They once got me a game called Groin Darts."

Rodney Dangerfield or Steven Wright by any chance? I agree with Johnpro, #1 is awesome.
 
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