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CARDIOLOGIST FUNERAL

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral..
A huge HEART covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted later, he said:
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...
I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.



A guy was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he saw an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

"Guaranteed? Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!

enjoy fd
 

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Good ones. Here is one of my recent favorites:

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a
quart  of  2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head
of  romaine lettuce, a 2lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package
of bacon. 

As  she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a  drunk  standing  behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.. 

He  said,  "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's
intuition,  looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing
particularly  unusual  about her selections she said, "Well, you know what,
you're  absolutely  correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
 

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LMAO :D
 

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Rofl... Those were great!
 
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