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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This was emailed to me by a friend a while back, for some reason I think of Teebone as Judge # 3 /forums/images/icons/tongue.gif

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your
cheeks then there's no hope for you.

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those
of you who have ever lived in Texas, you know how true this is. Texans have
a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to Houston. It takes up a
major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the
East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy sh!t, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting -faced from all of the

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt somethingscraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look
HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I
am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final
entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.


699 Posts
Good one. Though I remember seeing it on the forum before, some time back... .
I hope it wasnt posted by Clone, otherwise youve just "cloned" Clone...! lol /forums/images/icons/tongue.gif

865 Posts

I loved it, made me laugh so much the office wanted to know what I was reading. So I sent them the link. Sorry for the lag /forums/images/icons/smile.gif

1,670 Posts
Last year my wife and I visited some of her friends on Lake Michigan and I made them Chili out of the sad selection of supplies at the local Grocery store.

This year they are coming to our house in Texas and a couple of them asked if I'd make Chili again. It should be fun considering I couldn't even find Cayenne in Michigan, but I grow it fresh here at home /forums/images/icons/smile.gif
1966 coupe and 1970 sportsroof
5,500 Posts

1,953 Posts
LMAO!!!! I'd seen it before when Kent posted it, but I just had to read it over again. I about pissed my pants!!!! /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif Very, very, very good.
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