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I have to say that I have been a bad girl. I have found a new cyber family....Wet Canvas..Its a web site for Lampwork artist (my new hobby) I have so much to learn! Nick just finished my studio downstairs...its Sweet. I have a Super Hot Torch(NG/Oxygen) and I make glass beads....If you want to see some of my stuff my name is dawn413 on ebay...I have been driving my mustang all summer long as long as the sun is shinning :) Now on to the Doofus of the Year award. Here is a fellow Lampwork artist who had me in tears....This is a true, he just posted this tonight.....Enjoy

What NOT to do with your wife's gift...

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Not sure about the rest of you but I can always use a good laugh:

Dear Friends, the mind is a wonderful thing; curiosity is not a wonderful thing. To much of one and not enough of the other in the wrong hands can be lethal in some cases.


My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes..........

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn (Name of the establishment changed to protect the innocent)that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it
will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that, if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for
your information, but I have yet to explain to the wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat on my couch, my dog, Mini, looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Mini) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Mini for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to the wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, and BBT hat on my head, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Mini looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Mini was standing over me making funny sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My hat was on the mantel of the fireplace. How did that get get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
'em back.
__________________
loco
 

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Great post. My grand daughter was giving me a strange look as I was laughing outload looking at the computer. Not sure if he should be the doofus for almost killing himself or doing the great documentation so everyone knows how stupid he is. ::
 

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ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! Thank goodness it wasn't pepper-spray or you wouldn't be able to read these responses.
 

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That is the funniest story I have ever read . I still have tears from laughing so hard . Got to go get SWMBO to read this .
 

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That was great! I was sitting here at work and needed a good laugh.
 

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oh my god, im dying here!!! :: :: :: :: ::
 

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Dang, I just woke my wife up I was laughing so hard.
 

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:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: FastE!
 

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OMG! What a moron. As Ive accidentaly shocked myself more times than I can count my tears weren't so much from laughter but from having to realive every single time ive hit a live wire. Still pretty funny though.
 

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P.S. I forgot to ask something. Much like the guy in the post I know pretty much nothing about how electricity works so maybe our resident electrical guru can explain this to me. Midlife, how exactly DO 2 AA cause enough voltage to do that much damage? Is it the amperage? Please explain.
 

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OMG!!!That was so funny. The funny thing is I did the same thing with our dog collar for our invisible fence. Granted....the battery in that thing is a watch battery, but it still gave me a nice shock.

SO FUNNY!!! :D :D :D :D :D
 

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ROTFLMAO!!!! I read the post 10 minutes ago, just had to re-coperate before posting. That's some funny stuff! I got the "wha'ts this weirdo doing" look at work, for laughing. I had to turn away 3 times just to calm down. LOL thanks for laugh!
 

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That's where you have been Dawn! I'll have to check out your handiwork!

Thanks for the incredible laugh. I really needed that this morning. I think I will have to add that to my blog for future reference.( It will make an excellent pick me up! My best wishes to the 'testee' (pun intended)! LOL!
 

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Dang, I needed that. Luckily I am at work alone right now cause I just busted a gut laughing. Sad part is I could see me doing the same thing. Not now though. :eek:
 

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P.S. I forgot to ask something. Much like the guy in the post I know pretty much nothing about how electricity works so maybe our resident electrical guru can explain this to me. Midlife, how exactly DO 2 AA cause enough voltage to do that much damage? Is it the amperage? Please explain.
The human body's resistance is quite high: in the order of 10's of megaohms, with quite a bit of variability between people. To shock someone, one has to supply quite a bit of voltage to induce a small amount of current. AC current is more effective than DC current, so I'll speculate from here. I suspect the Taser has a transformer (i.e. a coil!) that boosts the battery voltage to very high levels, and releases it much like your ignition coil does when triggered by the dizzy, but controlled to do so at very high rates, simulating an electrical current at high voltages. I suspect the voltage does drop with time (seconds) if applied continuously.
 

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oh my! i'm crying here!!!!!!!1 thats the funniest damn thing i've read in a long long time!!!!!!!i'm almost temped to wake the wife up for that one ...... i too had to take a few breaks in reading because i was laughing too hard....i just knew he was going to ZAP that poor little dog!...
 
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